Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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