i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
