i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
