I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
