I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
