You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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