So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
wow bdsm is so cute
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
