I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
