Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
