about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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