I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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