I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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