I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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