I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
