I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
