I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
