ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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