I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
