Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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