I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
