The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
