you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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