oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
