Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
