i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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