positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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