Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
