I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
