She announced her abortion via fbk
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
