meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
