been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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