Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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