My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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