she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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