matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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