he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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