The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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