Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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