how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
