Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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