If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
