my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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