Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
i think i just naturally attract stoners
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
