y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
