I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
a search helicopter?!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
