I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
