I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
