This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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