im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
