I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
