im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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