My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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