I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
